In love with love
by Seren McGowan
Summary: A year after the final battle, Phoebe reflects on her lovelife. "Cole and I were damned from the beginning, and I did nothing but lead us to our end."


**Authoress notes: Hey, hi!! This is my first Charmed fic, and it takes place after the end of the series. I didn't watch the end, though, for me, Charmed without Cole was just...I don't knot, it lacked meaning. I was really pissed of a Phoebe (and her sisters) because of how they treated Cole. I really believe Cole and Phoebe's story was like...the greatest story ever told. So, here's a tribute to the demon who conquered soo many hearts!**

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**In love with love**

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It's been a year already.

It's been a year since everything was over and now we're finally able to rest. I married Coop, I got myself a family...and I made my life miserable.

I've been miserable over...a year already.

It took me too much time to realize what I wanted, whom I wanted, what I felt...And since the moment I figured out, it has been terrifying.

The visions started like a month ago. First, it was all blurry, I could only hear voices and movements. Then, I started seeing him...he was...just like I remembered him; tall, athletic, charming, and handsome as hell....but something wasn't right, it was like if it wasn't him...he was...happy. Not just content...he was really happy, more happy than I've seen him since...well, since our beginning.

It seemed he had forgotten about everything. About us. About me.

That was when it all begun. My visions started to get clearer, I could see him living a life where magic didn't exist. Where I didn't exist. He had a girlfriend, blond, gorgeous, and madly in love with him. He had a life. A work, friends, a house...

He was living on, without me.

As the visions advanced, I could barely sleep at night, and during the day my mind kept replaying them again and again.

I knew he was dead, I knew the visions were just a reflection of my own paranoia. But still, I couldn't help feeling jealous, feeling betrayed.

That's when I realized I was selfish. I couldn't be happy knowing he was happy. I preferred him to be suffering, or dead, but in love with me. Living for me, dying for me. Loving me even in death.

I realized I was more of a monster than he had ever been.

But he had loved me anyway. And I had killed him. Twice...no, three times.

Two days ago, the visions stopped, leaving me confused, broken, and empty.

And the worst part is, that I know I deserve it. Because I broke him first.

Yes, Cole Turner was the love of my life, my soul mate, and I killed him. What more is there to say?

Because of the visions, though, I begun to study myself. My behavior, my feelings, and how I acted on them. And I realized something important. I've always been in love with love. That's it, that's the reason non of my relationships seemed to work out. I love the idea of being in love, I always loved it, the thrill, the first meeting, the first call, the first date...and then it all goes away and I need to fall in love again.

So I walked through my life falling in and out of love over and over again. Until he appeared. And, for the first time in my life, I felt in love with someone. I felt truly, madly, deeply in love with someone. I gave him my heart, my soul, and...well, all I had to give.

Then it all broke to pieces. But it was not his fault, he tried, he tried so hard it hurts just to think about it. It was me the one who didn't fight hard enough, who didn't hold on long enough. It was me who left him alone when he needed me the most.

He's dead now, and I'm paying the price of betrayal. Because I betrayed him.

Once I denied him the love I knew I felt for him, once I hurt him so much he lost his mind completely, once I broke his heart and kept the pieces for myself, I felt in love with love once again. But I knew it was not the same anymore.

Cole had changed it all.

Once I had convinced myself that I didn't love him anymore, love begun to come to me again. I went back to my old routine. Fall in and out of love, again and again.

And, while doing that, I hurt my soul mate to death.

Then I found Coop. I wasn't surprised when I fell for him. He was love after all, he was the incarnation of love. And I've always been in love with love.

Before Cole, it would have been perfect; me and Coop, forever, me and love, just like it always had been.

But as I said, Cole changed it all. Love wasn't the same, it was hollow and empty, it was half given and half taken. I would never be satisfied, because no one would ever give what Cole gave. Not even Coop. Not even love.

So, while laying in the arms of my husband, listening to his heartbeat, I can't help but close my eyes and imagine he's someone else.

The visions of Cole and his life without me never came again. But I remember, I remember what it was to see him not loving me. And it kills me every time.

So, when I kiss my husband, and can't help but close my eyes and imagine he's someone else.

Now I know I was in love with love. I didn't love the person itself, I loved the love they gave me- But I loved Cole, and sometimes I think that it was because of that that I killed him.

I was selfish then, and I'm selfish now. Nothing has changed. Just love.

The truth is, that, in the end, all damned romances always end in tragedy, the greatest love stories ever told. Cole and I were damned from the beginning, and I did nothing but lead us to our end.

So, when I hug my husband and tell him "I love you", I can't help but close my eyes, because I'm telling it to someone else.

I think I'm not in love with love anymore.

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**I really believe Cole deserved a better ending, because people that die for love always deserve better. Review and tel me what you think!!**

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End file.
